Day 77 to 87

Day 77

Jason has met and fallen in love with Susan. He caught sight of her on the second day of her visit – he was on the porch, awaiting feeding when we left. I rushed the hellos, not sure how to explain the paranoid schizophrenic simultaneously devouring scrambled eggs and smoking a cigarette. Susan handled the encounter well enough, but a passion was ignited in Jason’s ample belly. Unfortunately, the fire took slightly too long to kindle: Susan had flown home on Sunday night. Monday morning, I left the house, to find Jason standing there with a bouquet of flowers that had clearly JUST been torn from someone’s garden.

“Hey man,” he said, alternating his gaze between the side of the house and my shoes. “I thought your girlfriend could use some flowers.  Here,” he added, thrusting the ragged collection of stems my way.

“I’m afraid Susan left last night,” I said, reaching for my keys in case I needed a weapon.

“Oh… OK.” Jason retracted the flowers and pursed his lips and absorbed the news.

When I returned that night, I found the rudimentary bouquet in the front yard. The arrangement had been stuffed into a drain. The wilting flowers were upright, beginning to sag in a forlorn monument to Jason’s love, rotting in the front yard.

Behold his withering love:

I begin locking the side door to my room.

Day 80

Exactly one week later, my father comes into town and meets Jan and Rose for the first time. He is a clinical psychologist. Here were his first impressions after meeting them.

On Jan:

“His obsessive-compulsive tendencies pair with his clinical depression like a fine wine.”

On Rose:

“Rose needs to divorce Jan. I’m sorry you saw her naked.”

Day 81

My dad and I came home to find Jason watering the lawn. From time to time, Rose hires Jason to do odd jobs. Jan is against this (it cuts into his alcohol budget), but is powerless to prevent it. Today, Jason is watering the front lawn. My father and I watch as Jason waters the same ten-foot square of grass for twelve consecutive minutes. Only after gulf-sized puddles of standing water have formed does Jason stop. On a cue that neither my father or I can detect, Jason suddenly decides the job is complete. Wordlessly, he throws down the hose where he stands, walks to his bike, and pedals away. The lawn he’s tended to is ruined.

“Is it possible he misheard the instructions?” I ask.

“I think anything’s possible with that kid,” dad said.

Day 87

Basil has an ominous-sounding meeting scheduled for Saturday with our shadowy (read: unknown or possibly nonexistent) group of investors. Something smells really funky around here. The latest release of “corporate policy” relates to stock options. All employees henceforth have the right to buy vesting stock options, based on the company’s current valuation. In other words, boss man is extending us a generous offer to put cash in his pocket. I remind everyone that I, a man with an IQ four standard deviations above average, took a job off Craiglist.

And the oversharer thinks he might have gonorrhea. 

Next Time: A big Friday finish to an exciting week: The shit hits the fan.