Day 113 to 114

Day 113

Turned down for sperm donor job. No explanation is given. I find it hard to believe there is a shortage of demand for six-foot-five men with all their hair and Top-10 college degrees. This brings up the disturbing possibility that I am sterile as a mule. I make a note to examine my sperm under the microscope at the next scientific job I get.

Day 114

I just watched Jan waste over six hours on 40 cents. Jan made it look effortless. Here is a rough timeline of the events.

2 PM: Jan heads for grocery store.

3 PM: Jan returns with groceries, including a half-gallon container of milk.

3:15 PM: Jan, while putting away groceries, reads his receipt and determines he has been cheated out of a 40-cent rebate. He becomes inflamed, and compares the grocers to central African warlords.

3:25 PM: Jan is still talking about the 40 cents. I am bored, so I bait him.  “You should go all the way back to the grocery store and get in the manager’s face,” I tell him. Amazingly, Jan agrees.

3:45 PM: Jan heads back to supermarket, vowing to claim nothing less than a full rebate.

4:18 PM: Jan returns home, having forgotten to take the milk with him. Sensing greatness, I begin to record events via  live texting to Susan and other members of the burgeoning “Adventures of Jan” fan club.

4:32 PM: Jan pauses to eat cold Chef Boyardee directly from the can.

4:55 PM: Jan initiates trip #2 to the grocery store.

5:20 PM: Jan returns home again, still in possession of the milk. He has forgotten his receipt. Amazingly, none of this is wearing him down, and he’s still committed to the mission. This is the most passion I have ever seen him display for anything.

5:32 PM: Jan finds the receipt and is ready to head back. He attempts to get $5 from Rose to fill up the car, which he claims is now on empty following numerous trips to the grocery store.

5:33 PM: Fight ensues. Jan is chock full of righteous indignation. Rose invites him to engage in sexual congress with himself.

5:55 PM: Fight culminates with Rose dangling money in front of Jan, jerking it away each time he reaches for it. Rose finally capitulates after Jan claims he will sell the car for gas money if he runs out on the way to the grocery store. This was no one’s finest moment.

6:08 PM: Jan leaves for grocery store. Trip #3 for those counting. 

7:15 PM: My mother, some 2,000 miles away, calls me specifically to ask whether Jan has gotten his discount. The tension is palpable.

7:17 PM: Jan returns in disgrace, after learning the deal required him to buy two jugs of milk. Jan claims that the grocery store is deliberately wasting his time. Rose asks him if the store is looking to higher senior citizen baggers. Jan shuts up.

7:42 PM: Jan is still stewing. After about ten minutes, he announces that he will show the grocery store who is boss by returning the milk for a full refund. Everyone but Jan is apathetic. There is one problem: Jan can no longer find the milk. Jan commences full search.

7:51 PM: Jason shows up, looking for food. Jan attempts to extract an additional $5 from Rose to employ Jason in the search for the missing milk. Rose declines.

7:53 PM: Jan finds the milk, still in the trunk of his car. At no point today did he attempt to refrigerate it.

8:12 PM: Jan returns, defeated. He had left the milk in the trunk since the initiation of grocery run #2, some four hours previous. After a day of 90+ degrees in the trunk of a Chrysler, what Jan attempted to return was no longer milk. The grocery store is four miles away. Jan has made five trips, burning roughly seven dollars in gas in the process. Oh, and six hours of his time. Even for Jan, this productivity is below the going rate.

8:16 PM: Jan stands in the front yard, pouring curdled milk onto the grass like a rapper pouring out a shot for a deceased homie.

Next Time: Noah discovers disturbing things about his old boss; Rose resumes exercising.