Day 149 to 150

Day 149

Jared lives in one of the bedrooms. Nathan also has a bedroom, but spends most of his time living in a converted tool shed behind the house. The three of us, however, share a bathroom. I have a good eye for detail and, after a week or so, begin to notice something disturbing: Nathan and Jared’s toothbrushes never changed position in their holders. Now I’m also a curious dude. Once, as a child, I tested the sanitary practices of our school’s cafeteria staff by hiding a french fry in the decorative lettuce on the lunch line. Then I waited to see how long until it disappeared. That fucking french fry was there for a few weeks. So naturally, I ran a test: I aligned the toothbrush handles at an odd angle and waited for them to move. I am still waiting a month later. There is no other place for these guys to brush. The fact that we are roughly one hundred posts into this story and I am just now mentioning this is somehow more disturbing than the information itself, isn’t it?

Day 150

Another classic Jan story:

The big man clips coupons. Every morning, for over an hour, Jan scours every paper and flier he can find. He’s like one of the women on those extreme couponing shows, only much less efficient. The history of this is complicated. Originally, this was a plan hatched by Rose to engage Jan and help the family to save money. Things snowballed out of control, however. To an outside observer – namely me – this was rather predictable. If you haven’t figured it out by now, Jan has severe obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Once, in the late eighties, Rose decided it would be good for the then-somewhat-recently-unemployed Jan to go get his college degree. She enrolled him in a math class at San Jose State. She said Jan would sit at home all day, doing one math problem after another and ignoring the kids he was supposed to be babysitting. Jan’s college career ended when Rose found him doing trigonometry as one of his infant sons wailed to be changed.

In light of this, it may not be surprising to learn that Jan has taken things too far. He will literally buy anything on sale, and must be restrained from compulsively buying, not unlike a puppy that perpetually strains at their leash. This is the main reason Jan has no control (or access, actually) to family finances – they would be bankrupted even worse than they already are.

The act of couponing has expanded to fill roughly 80% of Jan’s consciousness. It may be his sole reason for living, his sole passion, and it’s definitely all he can talk about. Often, during meals, food would be mentioned and Jan would immediately. 

Jan is sitting there, reciting prices, ignoring Rose telling him no one cares. You want a visual of this?

Jan: Baby carrots, sixty-nine cents a pound. Bananas, eighty-five cents a pound…

Rose: Oh shut up, would ya?!?

Jan: (CREEPY grin on his face) Red cabbage, eighty-nine cents a pound…

Rose: (on verge of stroke) Jan, shut the fuck up!!!

Only occasionally is Jan completely drunk during these exchanges.

Next Time: Noah returns to Chicago, runs marathon, reflects on life.