Day 126
I am out of money. Out. Checking account has $3.22 in it. The
last time I was this broke I was single-digits old. Still no unemployment
insurance – things are dragging along verrrrrry slowly there: Government
efficiency plus seemingly everyone in America unemployed does not make for
rapid conflict resolution. I have never felt so close to being a bum.
I learned long ago that
asking for the dole is not an option: Dr. Noah’s family does not ask for help
unless we are literally dying. My father once endured the burning of gonorrhea
for three months just to avoid admitting to my mother that he was cheating on
her*. Getting a check from friends or family is not an option. I will be
farming my own vegetables in the backyard before I ask anyone for anything.
Fortunately, I am not a
complete idiot, at least when it comes to money. When times were good, I
managed to save up some emergency funds in an investment account… that has been
withered away by the recession to the tune of 40% or so. At any rate, I sell my
pathetic holdings in the Coca-Cola Corporation and pray that the situation
improves before I am forced to similarly rock the stockholders in Wal Mart and
McDonalds.
*This story may not have
actually happened.
Day 127
Jan and Rose have been
active this week. In fact, to keep up my efforts to document the hilarious shit
they say to one another, I have taken to emailing myself each time there's an
incident. This week, I sent myself 16 messages. I will continue to do this
until I (a) move, (b) develop carpal tunnel syndrome from the typing, or (c) my
Gmail account fills up.
The real problem is where to begin. There's simply too much stuff to cover. Thus, I will cover the incidents of a single evening in this house. Six hours, listed roughly chronologically. To make sense of this, one must only realize that Jan grows steadily drunker as each incident occurs, and Rose grows accordingly more irritated.
4 PM:
There was a significant dust-up over how to raise money after it came out that the family needs 2,100 bucks by the end of the month. The matter of selling Jan's piece of shit car comes up. [This is a non-working 1991Mitsubishi - originally a showpiece for a sound system - that has three flat tires and hasn't been driven in five years.] Jan goes on a tantrum. The highlight of this was him threatening to tear out all the audio components (minus the stereo, which was already ripped out by thieves) so as to not get ripped off "for a nickel on every dollar" by prospective buyers. According to Jan, he would then box up said components and put them in a box labeled as "my hopes and dreams." Seriously puerile tantrum in the face of the car's obvious neglect and the family's financial situation; it was difficult to even look at Jan for a while.
4:23 PM
Jan pronounces the word "phlebotomist" as "pie-bottomist".
5:00 PM
Rose (really pissed and really shrill): Jan! You're saying shit like you don't know how to think!
Jan: So I don't then! Let's drop it!
5:25 PM
Jan tells me he likes to listen to Enya. He finds it "calming. peaceful. serene." He struggled to even name a second group he enjoys, eventually coming up with "Peter, Paul, and Mary, and that old stuff." I begin asking about the piece of crap car. I asked Jan a question, forgot he was talking, worked on a program for about 5 minutes, then realized he was still talking.
5:35 PM
I ask Jan what remaining dreams he wishes to accomplish. His answer: 18 second (timed by me) pause. Then "Keeping the house. And I was thinking of designing my own audio equipment." When pressed further, Jan spent the next 11 minutes babbling about creating special rooms to reduce the static fields a speaker produces using the "golden rule" [which he is confusing with a golden rectangle I believe]. No solid advances were appreciated in my opinion.
Moments later, Rose threatens to piss all over herself if Jan didn't get the fuck out of the bathroom.
6:15 PM
[News program comes on about a woman who called paramedics to her home after supposedly giving birth. Turned out she'd prematurely delivered a fetus at the doctor, then freaked out, took the kid home, and called the paramedics to "save" her dead fetus. Jan believes this was a deliberate abortion attempt. Rose initially disagrees.]
Jan: She did it on purpose! There are chemicals you can take to do it. Drugs.
Rose: You're crazy!
Jan: Herbs, then.
Rose: (placated) Oh. OK, then.
6:16 PM (the following commercial break)
Jan attempts to slander a lawyer who calls offering bankruptcy services. He goes with "What's the difference between a flounder a lawyer?"
Standard answer: One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's a fish.
HOWEVER, both Rose and I yell out guesses, like "one is a mammal and the other isn't" and "one has lungs, the other has gills!" This makes Jan lose focus. One glass of wine later, he is placated and shuts up. Approximately 20 minutes later, OUT OF NOWHERE, Jan blurts out something approximating the punch line and launches into a protracted series of creepy giggles.
7:00 PM
Rose farts loudly, blames it on the heat.
Jan attempts to make a science-themed joke about pressure and flatulence, but botched it by calling Boyle's law Boylee's Law (and claiming it related to temperature, pressure, and volume of a gas when, in fact, only pressure and temp are involved.) Jan bluffs, but falters when I call him on it.
7:42 PM
Jan cries. But I warn you, you're not going to like the story that caused it: Apparently Rose and Jan owned a little dog that they hadn't neutered. One night, they let it out and it picked a fight with a German Shepherd. The dog (named Pee-Wee) comes home with "two-thirds of its head severed." Dog goes to the emergency room and the vet saved its life. I look over and Jan is tearing up badly and hiccup-sobbing over Pee-Wee. Jan was also (wait for it) piss drunk.
8:45 PM
Setup: We're all sitting around and Jan suddenly makes the following claim after drinking a TON:
Jan: I just blacked out.
Rose: When?
J: Just a minute ago. It's my diabetes.
R: That's not the diabetes, that the alcohol.
J: You're right. I'll get some more. [Gets up over Rose's protestations, then farts loudly and sits down heavily.]
R: Take your blood pressure right! now!
J: [Takes pressure. Reading 82 over 54] I should be dead! [Giggles wildly] I know how to play dead! I know how to play dead!
R: (irritated) You're an ass!!!
J: So... that Viagra's taking effect on me, huh?
Then we all measured our blood pressure. Rose attempts to diagnose Jan's ailment, when this gem comes out:
R: Jan, maybe you're taking too much blood pressure medication. Remember that day you told me you couldn't pee?
10 PM
Jan and Rose run out of gas (literally and figuratively) and head to bed.
One. Night.
The real problem is where to begin. There's simply too much stuff to cover. Thus, I will cover the incidents of a single evening in this house. Six hours, listed roughly chronologically. To make sense of this, one must only realize that Jan grows steadily drunker as each incident occurs, and Rose grows accordingly more irritated.
4 PM:
There was a significant dust-up over how to raise money after it came out that the family needs 2,100 bucks by the end of the month. The matter of selling Jan's piece of shit car comes up. [This is a non-working 1991Mitsubishi - originally a showpiece for a sound system - that has three flat tires and hasn't been driven in five years.] Jan goes on a tantrum. The highlight of this was him threatening to tear out all the audio components (minus the stereo, which was already ripped out by thieves) so as to not get ripped off "for a nickel on every dollar" by prospective buyers. According to Jan, he would then box up said components and put them in a box labeled as "my hopes and dreams." Seriously puerile tantrum in the face of the car's obvious neglect and the family's financial situation; it was difficult to even look at Jan for a while.
4:23 PM
Jan pronounces the word "phlebotomist" as "pie-bottomist".
5:00 PM
Rose (really pissed and really shrill): Jan! You're saying shit like you don't know how to think!
Jan: So I don't then! Let's drop it!
5:25 PM
Jan tells me he likes to listen to Enya. He finds it "calming. peaceful. serene." He struggled to even name a second group he enjoys, eventually coming up with "Peter, Paul, and Mary, and that old stuff." I begin asking about the piece of crap car. I asked Jan a question, forgot he was talking, worked on a program for about 5 minutes, then realized he was still talking.
5:35 PM
I ask Jan what remaining dreams he wishes to accomplish. His answer: 18 second (timed by me) pause. Then "Keeping the house. And I was thinking of designing my own audio equipment." When pressed further, Jan spent the next 11 minutes babbling about creating special rooms to reduce the static fields a speaker produces using the "golden rule" [which he is confusing with a golden rectangle I believe]. No solid advances were appreciated in my opinion.
Moments later, Rose threatens to piss all over herself if Jan didn't get the fuck out of the bathroom.
6:15 PM
[News program comes on about a woman who called paramedics to her home after supposedly giving birth. Turned out she'd prematurely delivered a fetus at the doctor, then freaked out, took the kid home, and called the paramedics to "save" her dead fetus. Jan believes this was a deliberate abortion attempt. Rose initially disagrees.]
Jan: She did it on purpose! There are chemicals you can take to do it. Drugs.
Rose: You're crazy!
Jan: Herbs, then.
Rose: (placated) Oh. OK, then.
6:16 PM (the following commercial break)
Jan attempts to slander a lawyer who calls offering bankruptcy services. He goes with "What's the difference between a flounder a lawyer?"
Standard answer: One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker and the other's a fish.
HOWEVER, both Rose and I yell out guesses, like "one is a mammal and the other isn't" and "one has lungs, the other has gills!" This makes Jan lose focus. One glass of wine later, he is placated and shuts up. Approximately 20 minutes later, OUT OF NOWHERE, Jan blurts out something approximating the punch line and launches into a protracted series of creepy giggles.
7:00 PM
Rose farts loudly, blames it on the heat.
Jan attempts to make a science-themed joke about pressure and flatulence, but botched it by calling Boyle's law Boylee's Law (and claiming it related to temperature, pressure, and volume of a gas when, in fact, only pressure and temp are involved.) Jan bluffs, but falters when I call him on it.
7:42 PM
Jan cries. But I warn you, you're not going to like the story that caused it: Apparently Rose and Jan owned a little dog that they hadn't neutered. One night, they let it out and it picked a fight with a German Shepherd. The dog (named Pee-Wee) comes home with "two-thirds of its head severed." Dog goes to the emergency room and the vet saved its life. I look over and Jan is tearing up badly and hiccup-sobbing over Pee-Wee. Jan was also (wait for it) piss drunk.
8:45 PM
Setup: We're all sitting around and Jan suddenly makes the following claim after drinking a TON:
Jan: I just blacked out.
Rose: When?
J: Just a minute ago. It's my diabetes.
R: That's not the diabetes, that the alcohol.
J: You're right. I'll get some more. [Gets up over Rose's protestations, then farts loudly and sits down heavily.]
R: Take your blood pressure right! now!
J: [Takes pressure. Reading 82 over 54] I should be dead! [Giggles wildly] I know how to play dead! I know how to play dead!
R: (irritated) You're an ass!!!
J: So... that Viagra's taking effect on me, huh?
Then we all measured our blood pressure. Rose attempts to diagnose Jan's ailment, when this gem comes out:
R: Jan, maybe you're taking too much blood pressure medication. Remember that day you told me you couldn't pee?
10 PM
Jan and Rose run out of gas (literally and figuratively) and head to bed.
One. Night.
Next Time: Noah gets sick,
has no health insurance; What Jan ate as a child.
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