Day 128
I’ve gotten sick. Probably
the flu. I have no health insurance, so I decide to try and ride it out. I am
sitting miserably in the living room as the family eats hot dogs. I suspect
food poisoning. Specifically, I suspect Jan; a few weeks ago, Jan managed to
fix the meat grinder he’d destroyed. I search my memory banks for instances
where I may have eaten ground meat that wasn’t readily identifiable as being from
the supermarket.
Rose and Jan are attempting
to diagnose my condition. Rose is leaning towards flu, Jan is leaning towards
SARS, then switches to tuberculosis after I cough. I close my eyes and take a
long breath. When I open them, Jan is standing over me, less than a foot away.
His hand is poised over my forehead, ready to assess its temperature. “May I?” he says creepily.
“No way,” I say. At the
exact same time Rose bellows, “Jan, sit the fuck down!”
I toddle off to bed. An
hour later, I wake up in a cold sweat from a dream in which Jan’s clammy hand
was inches from my forehead.
Day 129
Just brace yourself for
this one:
Jan and Rose begin to argue about Jan's blood pressure and over his upcoming doctor's appointment. Rose says "I'd rather spend 15 bucks now than have you have a stroke and pay for the rest of my life." This devolves into a conversation into Jan's value financially to the family. Without irony, the pair begin to analyze the financial repercussions of Jan's impending death, with Rose criticizing him for his failure to buy life insurance. This leads into a protracted argument over Rose's benefits as a widow. This is where it gets fucked up: Jan actually takes the side of the argument that Rose would be better off dead, thus, would be better off if he did not going to the doctor.
I've never heard anyone argue that they were financially and personally worthless so vigorously.
Jan and Rose begin to argue about Jan's blood pressure and over his upcoming doctor's appointment. Rose says "I'd rather spend 15 bucks now than have you have a stroke and pay for the rest of my life." This devolves into a conversation into Jan's value financially to the family. Without irony, the pair begin to analyze the financial repercussions of Jan's impending death, with Rose criticizing him for his failure to buy life insurance. This leads into a protracted argument over Rose's benefits as a widow. This is where it gets fucked up: Jan actually takes the side of the argument that Rose would be better off dead, thus, would be better off if he did not going to the doctor.
I've never heard anyone argue that they were financially and personally worthless so vigorously.
Some minor notes from the
day:
- A minor misspeak by Rose (directed towards me): - "You can't operate in a vacuum cleaner." Not normally worth mentioning; HOWEVER, as I was documenting this, Jan mistook the word 'aesthetics' for 'ergonomics'. Then he tried to play it off by suggesting the ergonomics had been forsaken for the aesthetics. Didn't work.
-As an update on his alcoholism, Jan broke the 9 AM barrier for drinking on September 22nd with a glass of red wine at 8:52 AM.
- And now a little dialogue:
Jan: [Attempting to discourage Rose from applying to a job that is, admittedly, probably a scam] With that deal, you might as well work for the mafia!
Rose: [pissy and irate all of a sudden... well, 38 years of marriage later] If they paid me, I'd go there!!!
- Reset: Rose and Jan are fighting about the proper preparation of (wait for it) egg foo young. We enter shortly after Jan makes a ridiculous claim regarding the dish's preparation.
Rose: Jan, shut the hell up! Didn't your mother ever make your lunch when you were a kid?
Jan: No.
Rose: Did she give you money?
Jan: No.
Rose: (losing steam) Well, what did you eat then?
Jan: Hamburgers. And I didn't get home until one or two in the morning.
Jan provided no further elaboration.
Day 130
Fights were the main order of business today. Our first dispute centered on the overcluttered dining room, which Rose was intent on cleaning out and Jan was intent on not doing shit and being a packrat. To cope, Jan got drunk real fast and tried to stall her. Rose began yelling about being sick of Jan's shit and tired of him fucking up her house. At this point she invites him to get the fuck out and get a divorce while he's out. Jan declines, backs down.
Verbal highlights of subsequent cleaning session:
Rose: Jan, put your peanuts somewhere else.
Jan: I can't.
Did I mention that Rose pronounces 'peanut' very loosely, almost 'penis.'
Another:
Rose: There's no goddamn room for your squirrel food in here! It's going in the pantry!
Jan: That's no good; the cats pee in there.
R: Not on the third shelf!!!
The sparring ended, and I was serenaded by Rose's grunts of efforts as she maneuvered herself. These strained grunts would, in any other arena, be sexual, but are, in fact, a woman struggling to function beneath significant obesity. Sigh.
Fights were the main order of business today. Our first dispute centered on the overcluttered dining room, which Rose was intent on cleaning out and Jan was intent on not doing shit and being a packrat. To cope, Jan got drunk real fast and tried to stall her. Rose began yelling about being sick of Jan's shit and tired of him fucking up her house. At this point she invites him to get the fuck out and get a divorce while he's out. Jan declines, backs down.
Verbal highlights of subsequent cleaning session:
Rose: Jan, put your peanuts somewhere else.
Jan: I can't.
Did I mention that Rose pronounces 'peanut' very loosely, almost 'penis.'
Another:
Rose: There's no goddamn room for your squirrel food in here! It's going in the pantry!
Jan: That's no good; the cats pee in there.
R: Not on the third shelf!!!
The sparring ended, and I was serenaded by Rose's grunts of efforts as she maneuvered herself. These strained grunts would, in any other arena, be sexual, but are, in fact, a woman struggling to function beneath significant obesity. Sigh.
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